What is Life Except the Smallness

I wake up after a tired night’s sleep. The youngest and most feral lays next to me, only still in her sleep.  I sneak out carefully as to not wake her.  

The noise of the coffee maker fills my ears, and I await that first sip to start the day.  The routines of life an uncelebrated comfort, one of the only things to hold tight.

One by one they find me.  I am still the first thing they seek in the morning.  Please God let that linger until I have to let them go.

“Good morning, bud” as I wrap them up. This morning the feral one comes to sit in my lap. Just for a minute, but I’ll take it.  

The dog.  He swats me over and over with his paw, his eyes the voice he was never granted “come on lady, take me on a walk”.  I love this animal. 

The small minutes turn into small hours, and the sun slowly dances around us bringing life.  What is life except the smallness?

Zach and Wesley fill my ears, and my body moves.  That crazy lady who lives alone with all those kids is dancing again.  A laugh escapes through the smile.  

“I ain’t spotless, neither is you.”

I feel the sun burn my bare shoulders, and the lines I create in the grass by pushing that blasted mower bring me joy.  The weeds that just want to take over and revolt bring me the opposite of joy, the little relentless soldiers.

The coffee that I drink all day the vice I refuse to sacrifice.  No sir. Not giving it up. 

“If you want spotless I’ll always lose.” 

My hands are tired and ache with the long line of the day, they go to sleep with the labor of adulthood.  

I force myself to find my yoga mat. My body resists after a long day but eventually finds her place to healing.  This dang yoga mat keeping me whole.  

I wash and pat the chicken dry, one of the only safe options for 3 picky palates. It sizzles in the oven, and I think to myself one of these picky mouths (*eldest child*) will ask everyone else at the table “are you gonna eat your skin? I want it.” God, I love them so much.

“I don’t want love, lover, I want the truth.” 

They bring the football to the front yard where I still work in the setting sun.  They run and fight and laugh, whispering plays in each others’ ears.  Their smiles light up their whole face.  I hold the rake upright in my hands and stop for a moment to take it in.  My mind captures this Polaroid in time. I want to keep it in my memory forever and pull it out when my eyes are old and my home is empty.

They are safe and happy and run without the weight of the world, and I remember why I bought this home: to build their childhood and give them a safe place to land.  And so they do.  

They grow and change in this place.  They laugh and fight and cry and learn to love.  They eat, sleep, mess up and get back up. So do I. 

And I am happy here in the sun and the grass with their laughter and the music in my ears.  

The cicadas scream.  The stars come out. The dew falls. The sun rises.  The leaves change and die and resurrect again, and life grows beautifully.  One day at a time.  

~Kalan